Snowpocalypse
by Wedjat
Summary: After a massive snowstorm, Kenny does whatever it takes to give his sister the Christmas she deserves…even if it means working for Cartman and fighting an army of polar bears. COMPLETE.
1. Christmas Spirit

**A/N: **I've decided I want to write a South Park Christmas story…only, I doubt it will be done before Christmas lol, seeing as how Christmas is in 3 days. Also, I know that this year Hanukkah actually falls around the same time as Christmas…in this story, we're going to pretend it doesn't haha.

* * *

><p><strong>Snowpocalypse<strong>

It was the last day of school before Winter Break for the students of South Park Elementary School. The fourth grade students were gathered in the classroom with Mr. Garrison, who was dragging his feet through a day of presentations.

"Okay now which one of you dumbasses wants to present your short story to the class next?" Mr. Garrison mumbled off-handedly, his eyes glued to the clock.

"Oo, me, me, Mr. Garrison!" Cartman called out with his hand raised high in the air.

"Alright, Eric, come on up to the front and read your story," Mr. Garrison replied, bored.

Cartman skipped to the front of the classroom and cleared his throat, his story held out in front of him. "Okay, guys, my story is called 'Jewlight,'" Cartman declared proudly, his eyes immediately flying to his classmate and rival, Kyle Broflovski.

Kyle glared at him incredulously. "Are you kidding me?" He yelled angrily.

"It is a story of love and acceptance," Cartman continued. "A normal, small town girl grows to find love in an unlikely place: a member of the Jewish race."

Kyle stood up from his desk. "First you wrote that goddamn Christmas critters story, and now this? Mr. Garrison, do something!"

Mr. Garrison sighed, still staring at the clock. "Shut the hell up Kyle and sit down. He is just trying to express his creativity. Go ahead, Eric."

Cartman smiled at the eccentric teacher. "Why, thank you, Mr. Garrison."

"_I know what you are," Bella said dreamily as she stared off into the depths of the forest. She hugged herself against the cold and looked around her before continuing. "Your hair is a curly mess fit to house rats, you're greedy as hell, and you don't celebrate Christmas."_

"_Say it," Kyle whispered behind her, "out loud."_

_Bella turned around slowly to face the strange creature she had found herself falling in love with despite all odds. "A Jew." She frowned and then looked into his dark, beady Jewish eyes. "You're a Jew."_

"_Are you afraid?" Kyle asked, a hint of fear staining his tone._

_Bella thought on that for a moment. "A little."_

_Kyle gave her a small smile. "Good," he replied sadly, "you should be. Jews are not to be trusted."_

Kyle, whose face had flushed red from embarrassment and anger, stood up again from his desk in the middle of Cartman's story. "That's enough, Cartman! I've heard enough! That isn't an original story! It's just a stupid fucking _Twilight _rip off that you've changed around to bash Jews!"

Cartman sighed and frowned at Kyle. "You didn't even let me get to the part where Bella gets the crap beaten out of her."

"Just shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!" Kyle yelled in frustration. "No one wants to hear your fucking story!"

Mr. Garrison finally stood up. "Watch your language, Kyle! I would send your stupid ass to the counselor's office, but school's going to end in just a minute. Eric, good job, go sit down." Mr. Garrison frowned at Kyle. "You're going to have detention when we get back from break, young man!"

Kyle sighed and sat down, avoiding Cartman's eyes as the latter walked past to get to his seat. Stan placed a hand on his friends shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly, earning a smile from the Jewish boy.

True to Mr. Garrison's word, the bell rang a minute later. The boys all yelled for joy and ran out to the busses together. Cartman shoved people out of the way in order to get to the busses first, even though it didn't make any difference in helping him get home quicker. Excitement was truly in the air for the kids of South Park.

Stan also ran on ahead, excited that Christmas was nearly there. Kenny and Kyle, however, dragged their feet as they made their way outside.

"Why are you so bummed out, Kyle?" Kenny asked nicely.

Kyle sighed. "Hanukkah has been over for several days now. Most of the kids of South Park are going to be celebrating Christmas, and my family and I are going to be sitting at home, as usual."

Kenny shrugged. "I don't know if I'll be celebrating Christmas, if that makes you feel any better."

Kyle stopped in his tracks just outside of the bus. "What do you mean, Kenny? And how is that supposed to make me feel better?" Kyle asked, alarmed.

Kenny gave him a sad look through the hood of his parka. "My family can't afford it," he replied sadly, his speech muffled as usual.

Kyle frowned. "I'm so sorry, and here I was, whining about my problems…"

Kenny smiled. "Don't worry about it, man! Everyone has their problems, right?"

Kyle smiled too. "Yeah, I guess."

* * *

><p>Back at his house, Cartman jumped up and down with excitement as his mother placed a batch of Christmas cookies in the oven. He inhaled the sweet aroma deeply before releasing a contented sigh.<p>

"Mom?" Cartman began sweetly. "Can't you give me a hint about something I got for Christmas?" Cartman batted his eyelashes sweetly and smiled at his mother.

"No, sweetums," Liane replied. "It has to be a surprise. Giving you hints would take the fun out of the surprise!"

"But _mem_," Cartman whined, "the suspense is killing me!"

Liane smiled at her son. "Well then, you'll be very happy when you open your presents in two days at your aunt's house then, won't you?"

Cartman crossed his arms. "Can't I at least look at the wrapped packages?"

Liane shook her head and laughed. "I dropped the presents off at your aunt's house so that she could put them around her tree before we get there."

Defeated, Cartman gave his mother one last glare. "These better be some damn good presents, mom. They better be worth all of this suffering."

Cartman sighed and walked out to the family room where a TV was still on. Upon the screen was a commercial warning of the dangers global warming poses to polar bears.

"It is our job to save the earth," a man voiced over a clip of a family of polar bears huddling together. "These defenseless creatures need our help."

Cartman frowned. "Defenseless my ass, those things are about as defenseless as a Jew in a bank." Cartman rolled his eyes as another clip of a pathetic looking polar bear cub was shown. "This is bull crap," he muttered as he turned off the TV.

* * *

><p>In the McCormick household, it was just an average day. Stuart and Carol were fighting again with Kevin interjecting with a few of his own blows from time to time. Kenny was parked on the couch, his eyes glued to the television, and Karen was nowhere in sight.<p>

Kenny watched the weather channel with great concern. From the looks of it, there was going to be a snowstorm of epic proportions. Kenny sighed as he looked around at the house he lived in. If there indeed was a storm like the weatherman was predicting, they would be having an even more difficult time than usual, particularly Karen whose window was broken and had yet to be repaired.

As a Coca-Cola commercial came on about protecting polar bears, Kenny looked down the hall and eyed Karen's bedroom door. He walked up to it and leaned his ear against the door to hear if she was still awake. His heart sunk when he heard the tell tale sounds of his sister's sobs through the door. He sighed and quickly went into his bedroom to change his clothes.

Kenny pulled his drawer open and eyed the costume he had become so accustomed to wearing. He quickly shrugged off his worn down parka and changed into it, placing the mask on and then pulling the hood over his head last. In that moment, he ceased to be Kenny McCormick and became Mysterion.

He realized that, as Mysterion, he had a completely different personality. He was more bold, brave, heroic, and he was a leader. As Kenny, he always seemed to be in the background. As Mysterion, however, he felt important. He _was _important. If not to his city, he sure was important to his sister.

Mysterion pushed open his window and hopped out into the snow. He walked around the side of the house, crouching low to avoid his parents and brother seeing him from the living room, and found his way to his sister's broken window. With ease, he pulled himself onto the windowsill, startling the young girl inside.

"Oh, Guardian Angel, it's you," Karen said softly with a smile.

Mysterion frowned at his sister's circumstances. She was obviously freezing due to the broken window. Her lips had a slightly bluish hue to them, and she was shivering. Things would only get worse for her if the snowstorm hit as predicted.

Mysterion snapped his attention back to the present. "Why are you crying, Karen?"

Karen sighed and looked away. "It's almost Christmas, Angel, did you know that?"

Mysterion nodded. "Yes. But isn't Christmas supposed to be a happy time?"

Karen looked at him. "You know that my family can't afford to have a real Christmas. I don't want to sound like a greedy kid, but it would be nice to spend Christmas like a normal kid for once, to get to open presents and have ham…"

Mysterion leapt into the room from the window. "You're cold," he stated, avoiding the topic of Christmas. "Things are only going to get worse."

Karen shivered and Mysterion drew nearer to her. "What should I do, Angel?"

Mysterion pulled himself onto the bed next to Karen and opened his arms, beckoning her into his embrace. She slid into his arms easily and smiled at the warmth he provided.

"I'll take care of everything," Mysterion replied after a long silence. "I won't let you freeze, and you'll get your Christmas."

He wasn't sure why he had added the last part about Christmas, and he instantly regretted it. He had no way of promising her a normal Christmas, but he couldn't bear to let his sister down.

"R-really, Angel?" Karen asked, beaming. "You're amazing," she whispered into his chest. "You're my hero."

Mysterion tightened his arms around her and closed his eyes. "Save your gratitude for when I succeed."


	2. Cartman's Plan

Mysterion couldn't have been asleep for more than three hours when he woke up to snow dusting across his face. He looked around wildly and noticed that the wind was blowing snow directly into Karen's bedroom. He looked down at his little sister, who looked positively freezing. He frowned with concern and made a snap decision.

Mysterion pulled his parka over his costume then gathered his sister into his arms, blanket and all, and climbed out of the bedroom through the window. At that point, that house was not very safe for any of them. He wondered what his parents would do. He figured that Kevin had probably gone to a friend's house (how he had made friends was a mystery), but their parents were still inside.

Mysterion shivered as he trudged through the snow holding his sister close. He could think of one friend that he knew he could count on in his time of need. Someone he knew wouldn't have any plans for the next few days…

The snow was really coming down. It was accumulating more quickly than Mysterion had ever seen it do before. In fact, he wouldn't be surprised if the storm was worse than the weathermen had predicted.

Finally, the house he was looking for came into view. Shifting his sister into one arm only, Mysterion used his free hand to pull the both of them up the gutter towards Kyle's window. It was difficult to say the least, but eventually he made it, and he had no trouble pushing the window open and jumping into the bedroom.

The warmth was an instant relief. Mysterion gently laid his sister on the ground and closed the window back up before collapsing onto his back. He breathed heavily as he tried to recover from the journey, and not long after, Kyle walked into the bedroom and yelped in surprise.

"K-Kenny? What are you doing here?" Kyle asked as he rushed to his friend's side. "W-what happened?"

Mysterion allowed Kyle to help him take off his parka and lean against the wall in a sitting position. "Our house doesn't have heat, and Karen's window is broken…I could think of no one else to turn to."

Kyle smiled. "I'm here for you, dude. My parents won't mind."

"Thank you Kyle," Mysterion replied gratefully. "Only problem is, I don't know what to do about my parents."

Kyle frowned for a moment. "Your dad and my dad used to be friends. I'm sure that, in the spirit of the holiday season, he'd be willing to let your parents stay here for a few nights. We have a guest bedroom."

Mysterion nodded. "I don't want to do it without their permission, though."

Kyle sat down next to his friend. "They're not awake anymore, so if you need to find them a place for the night…"

Mysterion shook his head. "No. They'll be fine at least tonight, in fact their room is probably the safest place in that house."

Kyle looked down at Karen, whose face had regained its natural color. "What are you going to do?"

Mysterion stood up and walked towards the bedroom door. "I'm honestly at a loss. I promised Karen a Christmas, but we have no money. Hell, we don't even have a working oven."

Kyle stood up as well. "Your sister can sleep in my bed and you and I can sleep on the floor. You've done everything you can, you just need to rest for the night, okay?"

Mysterion prepared himself mentally to argue, but he changed his mind. Kyle was right. In the morning, the real work would begin.

* * *

><p>Cartman woke up in the morning and stretched contentedly. He had slept for a good ten hours, and he was out of school for a whole two weeks. Christmas was in a few days. He couldn't be happier.<p>

He hopped out of bed and skipped down the stairs. "Mom, can you make some chocolate chip pancakes this morning?" Cartman called out as he entered the kitchen.

Liane poured herself a cup of coffee. "Sorry hon, we're out of pancake batter."

Cartman gaped at her. "Then, then, can't you go out and buy some more?"

Liane laughed. "You haven't looked out the window yet, have we? There's no way I'd be able to get out the front door!"

Cartman stared at her for a long moment before silently running to the door. He threw it open and he was instantly covered in a mound of snow. He gasped and crawled his way out. He could barely believe what he was seeing.

Liane sighed from the kitchen, obviously having not seen what her son had done. "There's a very good chance that we won't be able to get to your aunt's house on Christmas, sweetie, I'm sorry but you might have to get your presents late."

Cartman stared at the snow in horror. "No…no…" he glared at the door, "no!"

He pushed the door as hard as he could against the snow spilling into the house until it closed. With a deep breath, he sprinted up the stairs and pulled on his shoes, coat, hat and gloves. He opened his window and dropped onto the surface of the snow, which had frozen solid as ice. He turned and closed the window, but the sudden movement caused him to slip and fall on his back.

He groaned as he struggled back to his feet. He used the slick surface to his advantage and skated towards where the garage was supposed to be. The snow reached above the garage. Cartman felt anger build up inside of him as he realized his mom was right: there was no way they would be able to get to his aunt's for Christmas.

Cartman shook his head. There had to be another way.

He thought for a moment. Snow was melted by heat. Cartman grinned as he came up with a brilliant plan. He slid on over to his window and hopped inside. He ran down the stairs to the telephone and quickly dialed Butters' number.

"Butters, it's me," Cartman gasped once Butters had answered the phone. "I need you to come over here immediately. Bring all of your bottled water with you."

* * *

><p>Kenny had been awake since the first sign of sunshine. Before his sister had had the chance to wake up, he returned to his house and changed into his normal clothes. He also checked on his parents, who were perfectly fine, asleep in their bedroom. They wouldn't be able to stay there for long, though.<p>

Before heading back to Kyle's, Kenny stuffed his Mysterion costume into a backpack to take with him. He had no way of knowing when he would need to be Karen's hero again, or anyone else's for that matter.

By the time he got back, Karen was awake and playing with Ike. The two seemed to be getting along quite well. When Karen looked up and saw Kenny, her entire face lit up.

"Hey Kenny!" Karen greeted with a smile. "Where did you go?"

Kenny sat down next to her. "To check on our parents. Are you going to be okay here for a while? Kyle and I have to run a few errands."

Karen nodded. "Sure, be back soon!"

Kenny smiled. "I'll try to be quick."

Kyle and Kenny left the house and began walking down the street together. Kyle eyed the backpack Kenny was wearing.

"What's in there?" Kyle asked curiously.

Kenny stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Mysterion," he replied.

Kyle smirked. "I didn't know you still dressed up as him…we stopped playing super hero a long time ago."

Kenny looked at him out of the corner of his eye. He considered replying honestly, but he didn't want to get into that. Instead, he just shrugged and gave an answer he knew Kyle would appreciate. "My sister looks up to him, and I know it must piss Cartman off that I was a better hero than he ever was."

Kyle looked past him, gaping. "Speaking of the devil…"

Kenny turned around to see what Kyle was staring at. Sure enough, Cartman and Butters were standing in front of Cartman's garage next to a wagon filled with bottled water.

Kyle and Kenny exchanged glances before running over. "What the hell are you doing, fat ass?" Kyle called out.

"M-melting the snow!" Butters replied enthusiastically.

Kyle raised an eyebrow and got closer. Suddenly he got a whiff of a familiar stench, causing him to stagger backwards in disgust. "Ugh, what the fuck!"

Cartman and Butters were peeing on the snow.

Kenny laughed hysterically. "Why are you guys _peeing _on the snow?" Kenny asked between giggles.

Cartman sighed. "Alright Butters, we can take a water break." The two of them zipped up their pants and grabbed a bottle from the wagon before turning to face Kyle and Kenny. "Obviously, we are trying to melt the snow around my garage by peeing on it. We have a large supply of water bottles to keep us hydrated so that we have a constant supply of urine. It's genius."

"Do you honestly expect to pee on the entire driveway Cartman?" Kyle asked incredulously.

"I wouldn't expect you to understand, Jew, you don't celebrate Christmas. You don't understand the mystery and magic a wrapped present holds. The excitement of tearing the paper off is like nothing else in this world, Kyle. In fact, I pity you. You don't get to experience it. Maybe that's why Jews have such cold, black hearts: they don't get presents." Cartman explained calmly.

"Jews still get presents, fat ass! We have Hanukkah for eight days! Even without that, we still celebrate birthdays, stupid!" Kyle growled in frustration. "What are you going to do, assuming you have the ability to melt the driveway? What about the streets? You're dumber than I thought if you actually think this is a logical plan!"

"Shut up Kyle!" Cartman screamed in a whiny voice. "I won't let Christmas be ruined! I will get my presents, damn it! I don't care if I have to pay the entire town to pee on my driveway, I will get my fucking Christmas!"

Kenny, hearing the prospect of being paid, immediately stepped forward and began peeing on the snow. Cartman smiled and sighed with satisfaction. "That's my Kenny," he said sweetly. "Butters, back to work. We don't have a moment to spare."

Kyle rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "This is ridiculous," he mumbled.

Suddenly, Kenny began laughing hysterically. Cartman raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

Butters laughed as well. "K-Kenny drew tities!"

Kyle stared at the back of his hooded friend. "Drew?"

Butters laughed some more. "With his pee!"

Cartman grabbed Kenny by the hood. "We don't have time for messing around, asshole! Is this a joke to you? Is this just a big fucking joke to you?"

Kenny chuckled softly. "…Kinda," he said after a short pause.

Cartman glared at him and threw him onto the snow. "Get the fuck out," Cartman ordered, pointing down the street.

"B-but Eric, it's k-kinda fun! I just wrote my name…" Butters trailed off.

Cartman scowled. "God damn it, Butters! No! Stop fucking around! You get out too!"

"Aw hamburgers…" Butters muttered sadly as he zipped up his pants and began to walk away.

"And how exactly to you plan to keep this up if Butters is gone too?" Kyle asked, irritated.

Kenny pulled himself off the ground and stepped forward, seizing the opportunity. "If I can get all of this snow out of your driveway by Christmas morning, what will you give me in return?"

Cartman thought this over for a moment. "Twenty bucks."

Kenny glared at him. "Two hundred."

Cartman was shocked that he was actually bargaining. "Wha-no, Kenny, that's, no. One hundred."

Kenny nodded. "Deal."

Cartman watched him skeptically. "It has to _all _be gone by Christmas, you got me? You cannot half ass this, Kenny, or you won't get _anything_."

"Got it," Kenny agreed.

Satisfied, Cartman returned to his house. Kyle and Kenny began walking down the street with the former staring at the latter with concern.

"Do you know how much work that's going to be?" Kyle exclaimed. "There's no way you can do that on your own! Even if I help you it's too much!"

Kenny sighed. "I know, but I have to try."

* * *

><p>At the newly established World Wildlife Fund headquarters just outside of South Park, Colorado, the president of the organization sat in his office staring out the window. Everything was going according to plan. South Park was practically the tundra already, but once they kicked things up a notch, it would be back in the Ice Age.<p>

South Park was just the beginning. Next came the rest of the United States, and then the world.

There was a knock at the office door and an assistant came in. "Uh, sir, _they _are worried about the boy's behavior. He's…resisting them, he doesn't like their plans and the fact that we're helping them…"

The president sighed. "He can't leave the headquarters then. Take him to the basement and restrain him with whatever we have."

The assistant nodded and left. The president shook his head in disgust.

What they were doing would save hundreds. How could that little fourth grader be so selfish?

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **First of all, I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas! I hope you don't lose interest in this story because it's a Christmas story being finished AFTER Christmas, haha.

When I first came up with the idea for this story, I envisioned two specific parts: the scene where Mysterion comforts Karen in her bedroom, and Cartman peeing on the snow to melt it so he could go to his aunt's house. I thought about extending the peeing thing so that it was throughout the story, Cartman constantly getting more people to pee on his driveway…while that would've been hilarious (in my opinion), it didn't work with my story too well. It will come back briefly at one point though…ahahah.

Secondly, oh no, who could it be that's in trouble with WWF? Obviously it's not Kenny, Kyle, Cartman, or Butters…stay tuned ;)


	3. Bear It All

**A/N: **I was hoping to get this done before I went back to school, but since I'm heading there on Sunday, it's not very likely. Since this is meant to be a much shorter fic than most I begin, I'm sure I'll get it finished, though. Writing for Kenny is pretty fun anyway, even though Kyle is my favorite of the main boys. I have a Mysterion origin story in mind that I might start soon, because every good hero deserves a story that describes why and how they came into being.

Also, the two songs I listened to a lot while writing this chapter were "Loser" and "Farewell Ride" by Beck. The sound of those songs just reminds me of South Park, I even stumbled upon an awesome AMV for "Loser", so I figured the kids would like them too.

* * *

><p>Kenny collapsed into the snow. He breathed heavily as Beck's "Loser" blasted into his ears through Kyle's earphones. The two of them had been working together on Cartman's driveway for hours and they had barely made any progress. The snow was ridiculously deep.<p>

Kyle ran to Kenny's side and yanked the earphones out of his ears. "We can't stop now, dude! We have so much work to do!"

Kenny sighed. "I know. You know what? Go on home and get some rest. I'm going to keep on working for a little while."

Kyle frowned. "Are you sure? I can stay with you."

Kenny shook his head. "No, no, go back and check on Karen and Ike."

Kyle nodded. "Okay, see you later Kenny. Don't stay out here too long, it's fucking freezing."

Kenny smiled beneath his parka and pulled himself to his feet. Rather than start working immediately, he just sat at what should've been the curb and looked around at the landscape. As much as he hated the snow in that moment, it really looked awfully pretty in the moonlight…

Kenny quickly put Kyle's headphones back in and continued to listen to Beck. He continued to look around, trying to put off getting back to work as long as possible. Just as he was about to relent to the voice in his mind screaming at him to get moving, his eyes fell on something rather out of place in South Park.

It was a bear. But that wasn't what made it strange. He had seen bears in Colorado before, but this wasn't just any bear. It was a _polar _bear, and somehow it had come within 30 feet of him without him even noticing.

Suddenly Kenny had a horrible feeling that he was about to die again. He sighed but he refused to give up without a fight.

"If you want me you're going to have to chase me you furry bitch!" Kenny called out and proceeded to launch himself into an all out sprint. He couldn't risk running back to Kyle's house. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if anyone in his or Kyle's family was hurt.

Kenny looked behind him, and sure enough, the bear was chasing him. He tried to push himself harder, but he could feel his legs beginning to slow down. There was no way he'd be able to keep it up for long, and the bear was catching up with him.

He cursed his luck under his breath as he surged toward the police station. He could think of nowhere else to go, and at least the police officers had guns.

The bear was snapping at his heels at that point. Kenny shrieked as he felt the beast's teeth rip at his parka. In a rush of adrenaline, Kenny closed the gap between him and the police station just as the bear tore his parka away from his body.

Kenny placed his hands on his knees and gasped for air once inside. Relief flooded him as he realized that he had lived through such a close call, but it soon left him as he also realized that he was standing in front of several police officers in nothing but his underwear and his boots.

"What the fuck?" Sergeant Yates uttered in surprise. "What is wrong with you, kid?"

Kenny caught his breath before explaining. "There's a…polar bear outside that just…attacked me," Kenny replied. "Can you shoot it or something so I can go home?"

Yates scowled at him. "Haven't you been watching TV lately? Polar bears are endangered! What the hell _is _wrong with you? You have issues if you want to go around killing innocent, endangered animals…"

"It just fucking attacked me! Ripped off my clothes! I'm the innocent one here, not that fucking thing!" Kenny snarled in frustration.

Yates crossed his arms. "Get lost, kid, and consider seeing a therapist, for God's sake…" With that, he and the other officers went back to their work, and Kenny watched them all, dumfounded.

With nothing else to do, Kenny walked out of the police station. The polar bear was gone, and left behind it was his clothes lying in the snow, ripped to shreds. Gritting his teeth against the cold, Kenny trekked back to Cartman's house.

Unfortunately, Cartman himself was inspecting the progress that had been made when Kenny arrived. Cartman was unsatisfied, but once he got a good look at Kenny's nudity, his disappointment was replaced with hysterical laughter.

"It's not funny, fat boy!" Kenny shouted as he picked up his backpack out of the snow.

"I honestly don't care why or how, but you can't deny that it's funny as shit, dude!" Cartman bellowed between chuckles.

Kenny rolled his eyes. "Can I please change in your bathroom? I'd rather not have to walk back to Kyle's like this."

Cartman thought about it for a moment. "Okay, but only because depriving the Jew of this priceless sight is, well…priceless."

* * *

><p>Kyle sat on the edge of his bed in his pajamas. He could hear Mr. and Mrs. McCormick getting settled in the guest bedroom, because his parents had agreed to house them for a few days. Kenny hadn't come back, and he was starting to get worried, especially after the phone call he had just received…<p>

Kyle looked up and jumped slightly when he saw Mysterion dropping into his bedroom from the windowsill. He frowned. "Why are you…?"

Mysterion scowled. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "Oh, come on, we've all seen some weird things over the past few years…"

Mysterion looked at him. "What's up with you? Something seems off."

Kyle dropped the subject and nodded. "Something _is _off. We just got a call from Stan's parents…he's missing."

Mysterion walked over to the bed and sat next to Kyle. "Missing? Are you sure?"

"His parents said they haven't seen him since he came home from school yesterday," Kyle replied worriedly. "What if something horrible happened to him, Kenny? We've got to do something!"

Mysterion thought on that for a moment. No one could deny that odd things had been happening around town the past few days. Even for a mountain town, South Park had not seen such a massive amount of snow in decades. There was at least one polar bear roaming the streets, but it was pretty safe to assume it wasn't alone. Isolated incidents were rare.

And now, Stan was missing.

Mysterion placed a hand on Kyle's shoulder. "Don't be afraid, Kyle. I will not rest until Stan is safely home."

Kyle stood up. "I want to help!"

Mysterion shook his head. "No, you are needed here. Ike and Karen…keep watch over them while I am away. I have no way of knowing how weird things will get tonight or in the coming days." He stood and walked over to the window, peering outside at the snow. "Something weird is happening here in South Park, and I'm going to figure out what it is."

Kyle smiled. "Good luck…Mysterion."

Mysterion dove out the window and slid across the icy surface of the snow with surprising ease. The city was quiet, but beneath the surface, he could feel something stirring.

He returned to his home and loaded up on supplies. He put more firecrackers on his belt along with a lengthy rope. He held up the gun he had used on himself multiple times before, and decided that he should carry it with him as a last resort. Just in case. He wouldn't kill anyone else with it, that wasn't what Mysterion stood for. But himself…he was fair game.

He walked to the family room and turned on the TV, slightly surprised that the house still had power. He watched the news closely, hoping for some kind of lead. When the news anchors couldn't offer anything helpful, he jumped off the couch in frustration and held up the remote to switch off the television.

Before he could press the power button, however, a commercial came on that caught his eye.

"A polar bear cub is born without its sense of sight," a female voice intoned over the image of a pair of polar bears. "For the first few months of their lives, they completely rely on their mother's instincts and guidance for survival."

Mysterion dropped the arm holding the remote to his side and focused on the commercial.

"But due to climate change, each year it's getting harder for her to care for the cubs that rely on her, and care for herself," the voice continued. "Her survival depends on the survival of the incredibly fragile arctic environment, her home. We want the home of the polar bear to be a secure place, a place that can support them, a place where families can thrive."

"We're helping ensure the polar bears have a future," the female continued.

Mysterion closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Commercials from different organizations about the polar bears had been all over TV for weeks. Sergeant Yates refused to do anything about the polar bear that had attacked Kenny because of them. It was highly likely that someone such as Stan, a boy who was very sensitive when it came to animals, would get involved in saving the species.

Mysterion switched off the TV with the remote. He would have to do a bit of research to find out if any of the related organizations had a foothold nearby or even in South Park itself. The computer in his bedroom quickly surrendered the answers: WWF had just opened their brand new headquarters right outside of South Park.

It was settled then. Mysterion would go there and search for Stan, as well as answers.

All he needed was a ride.

* * *

><p>Karen stared out the window in silence. She had a great time playing with Ike, and then Kyle later on, but Kenny…she hadn't seen Kenny yet. Ike was sleeping in Kyle's room, and Ike was allowing Karen to use hers. It was a relief that her parents were there with her, but she still worried about Kenny.<p>

She sighed and closed her eyes, but as soon as she did so, there was a knock at her window. Her eyes shot open once more to meet the gaze of Mysterion sitting outside in the snow. She beamed at him as she jumped up and opened the window for him.

"Angel, you brought me here, didn't you?" Karen whispered. "And Kenny? You brought him too?"

Mysterion nodded curtly.

"Where is my brother?" Karen asked with concern. "I haven't seen him all day…"

"I need his help with something, but I will return him to you by morning, you have my word," Mysterion told her gently.

Karen smiled. "Okay, Angel. I trust you."

Mysterion smiled as well. "Sleep well, Karen. Soon you can go back home with your family."

"Thank you," Karen said softly. "Be safe!"

Without saying another word, Mysterion stepped out of the window and disappeared into the night.

* * *

><p>At Stark's Pond, a lone polar bear pawed at the ice coating the water, attempting to break it in order to hunt fish. The sound of crunching snow reached its ears, however, alerting it to the presence of another living creature. It quickly turned its attention onto the human boy whose face was disguised with a mask.<p>

"We can either do this the easy way or the hard way," Mysterion growled. "One way or another, you're going to take me to the WWF."

The polar bear tilted its head to the side and bared its teeth. It wasn't about to do anything of the sort without a fight.

The hard way it is, then.


	4. Urinal Salary

Kyle woke up to Karen shaking him. He frowned at the little girl in confusion, but he refrained from turning her away when he saw just how troubled she looked. He sighed and sat up.

"What's wrong?" Kyle asked groggily as he rubbed his eyes.

"Where's Kenny?" Karen asked worriedly. "He was supposed to be back by now…"

Kyle studied her for a moment. "Karen, do you know where your brother is?" He asked skeptically. He couldn't imagine that Kenny would have told her the truth.

Karen nodded. "He's with my guardian angel."

Kyle looked over Karen's shoulder at Mrs. McCormick, who was standing in his doorway. "What're you talkin' about, Karen?" Carol asked, her face unusually pale.

Karen looked at her mom. "My guardian angel that comes whenever I need him."

Mrs. McCormick looked at Kyle. "Kenny's with an angel?"

Kyle looked down at Karen. "Why don't you go wake up Ike for me?"

Karen's shoulders slumped over and she left the room. Kyle looked up at Mrs. McCormick. "She's talking about Mysterion."

Carol looked slightly unnerved. "I always thought that kid was just a pot induced hallucination!"

"Uh, what?" Kyle asked.

Carol walked over to the window. "So Kenny is with some kid dressed up in his underwear? Why in the world…?" She shook her head. "It's better than him bein' with an actual angel though, I guess…I just can't take it anymore."

Kyle stared at the back of her head confusedly. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Your name's Kyle, right?" She asked, staring out the window.

Kyle fought back irritation. "Yes, you've known me for how long and you don't remember?"

"No, there's a message for you."

Kyle jumped off his bed. "What are you _talking _about? Jesus Christ the adults in this town are just-"

Mrs. McCormick turned around and fixed Kyle with a hard glare. "Look out the god damn window and stop bein' so damn rude!" She yelled before leaving the room.

Kyle walked over to the window and opened it so he could lean out. There was a piece of paper with his name on it sitting in the snow.

"'Meet me on top of Hell's Pass Hospital,'" Kyle read aloud. He frowned. Maybe it was Kenny or Stan. But why did they want to meet on top of the hospital?

* * *

><p>Mysterion awoke with a start. He was strapped down to some kind of table. He groaned as he fidgeted around, trying to loosen his restraints. It was pointless, and he quickly gave up to conserve his energy.<p>

Apparently trying to fight a polar bear was a bad idea. That thing had kicked his ass and…strapped him to a table? Does that make any logical sense?

"…What the fuck?" Mysterion growled.

"Hello? Is someone else in here?"

Mysterion looked up in alarm, searching for the source of that voice. "Stan?" Mysterion called out. "Stan is that you?"

"…Yeah, who's there?" Stan responded, apparently unable to instantly recognize the voice Kenny used as Mysterion.

"Mysterion," Mysterion replied, feeling somewhat ridiculous for keeping up the charade.

"Mysterion? Really?" Stan asked. "…Why not Kenny?"

Mysterion scowled in frustration. "Does it really matter? We need to get out of here!"

Stan, who was tied to a pole with a bag over his head, sighed. "It's no use, man, the WWF has gone completely insane, and the polar bears…don't even get me started on the fucking polar bears…"

"Tell me everything you know," Mysterion demanded roughly.

"Well, for starters, the polar bears have got WWF by the balls. By posing all cute and pathetic-like for their ads, the WWF are making more money than ever. And you know what they say: you scratch our back, and we scratch yours," Stan began.

"WWF is supposed to be a non-profit organization," Mysterion pointed out, "are you saying that they're taking all of the money for themselves and not actually doing anything to help wildlife?"

Stan laughed shakily. "That's where that saying comes in. The polar bears helped the WWF with their commercials, and now the WWF are helping the polar bears…and let me tell you, we're getting screwed over in this deal!"

"You talk as if the polar bears are intelligent creatures," Mysterion mused.

"That's because they fucking _are_. Of course most people don't know that, they don't have to fucking see them every day. Well…they didn't used to anyway. But now everyone is going to see a lot more of the damned things…"

"What do you mean?" Mysterion asked.

"Using a large portion of the money they raised with the commercials and Coca-Cola sales, the WWF purchased a weather machine prototype. Do you see now? The WWF used it to cause that massive snowstorm! They're trying to fucking convert the entire country into a home for the polar bears!" Stan shouted angrily. "If we don't do something, those things are going to make every person in America their bitch!"

Mysterion gaped at the ceiling. "Do you know where the weather machine is?"

"No, they wouldn't tell me. They hate me because I tried to shut them down."

"You tried to do so without help? Of all the stupid ideas you've had…" Mysterion trailed off.

"You think I don't realize that? I know it was stupid! I know! I should've gone to get help but I just reacted, okay? I didn't exactly think things through!" Stan spat.

Mysterion didn't respond. He was too busy trying to reach his belt, where he always kept his firecrackers and matches. If he could reach the matches, he could try to set fire to his restraints. It could possibly burn him, but he had been past worrying about his physical body for quite some time.

"I'm going to get us out of here," Mysterion told Stan as his fingers finally reached his matches. "And once you're free, I want you to go home. Find Kyle and tell him what's going on."

Stan turned his bag-covered head in the direction of Mysterion's voice. "And what, leave you behind? No way, dude!"

Mysterion struggled to open the box and pull out a sole match. "I'm going to find that weather machine and shut it down."

Stan shook his head. "Not alone, you're not! You said so yourself, that's stupid!"

Mysterion couldn't help but see his logic, and relented. "We'll go back and regroup."

"That's better," Stan agreed. "…Wait, what exactly is your plan to get us out of here?"

Stan's question was answered when Mysterion set his restraints on fire, and unfortunately, himself as well.

"God this fucking hurts!" Mysterion cried out as the restraints burned away. He rolled off the table and onto the ground.

"What the hell is going on?" Stan asked, startled. "I…I smell smoke…Kenny…?"

Mysterion groaned in pain as he continued to roll around, putting out the flames. Once they were out, he remained lying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling as he caught his breath. Luckily his costume wasn't damaged all that much, but he was sweating a ton and still felt as if he was on fire.

"Did you just set yourself on fire?" Stan asked, horrified. "This is pretty fucked up right here…"

Mysterion winced as he got to his feet. "I…couldn't agree more," he said breathlessly. He ran over to Stan and removed the bag from his head. Stan smiled at his rescuer gratefully, and then Mysterion set to work untying him.

"Do you know this place well enough to lead us out?" Mysterion asked.

Stan nodded warily. "I…think so."

That response didn't exactly inspire much confidence, but Mysterion shrugged it off. He finished freeing Stan, and the two of them headed towards a staircase that lead to the first floor.

"As long as we don't run into any of the bears, we should be fine. These WWF guys are pussies," Stan said through gritted teeth.

"You were one of them not too long ago, what does that make you?"

Stan shot him a dirty look. "Don't be a dick Kenny, let's just get out of here!"

* * *

><p>Kyle stepped out onto the roof of Hell's Pass Hospital and glanced around. To his dismay, the person waiting for him near the front was Cartman. Cartman wore a large grin on his face as he beckoned Kyle over to him.<p>

"Come Kyle, there's something I'd like for you to see."

Kyle rolled his eyes but did as he was told. He stopped in front of Cartman and glared at him. "What is it, fat ass?"

Cartman swung his arm around and pointed down at the ground. "Take a look, Kyle."

Kyle arched one eyebrow and stepped toward the ledge and looked out onto the snow. He stared at the ground, horrified and speechless.

"Happy late Hanukkah, Kyle," Cartman said sweetly.

"Cartman…" Kyle gasped. "What the _fuck_?"

Down below, most of the boys from their fourth grade class were scattered about, peeing on the snow. All of them had managed to spell out the words "FUCK YOU KYLE" with their urine.

Cartman cackled hysterically. "Oh man, you should've seen the look on your face, Kyle…"

Kyle saw red as he looked at each of his classmates below. "Why? What did I ever do to any of you?"

Craig zipped his pants and turned around to look up at him. "It's nothing personal. Cartman is paying us."

Kyle was absolutely fuming as Craig flipped him off. He turned to Cartman and pushed him. "Why would you waste money on this?" Kyle snarled.

Cartman continued to laugh. "Because, the look on your face right now is worth millions."

Kyle stared at him incredulously. "You're saying that, if you could, you would pay millions of dollars, just to see me this angry?"

Cartman smirked. "Definitely," he responded with confidence.

Kyle threw his hands up and began to walk away. "Go fuck yourself, Cartman."

Cartman crossed his arms. "Well, maybe I will, asshole!"

Kyle froze and glanced back at Cartman to make a comment, but changed his mind and exited through the hospital.

* * *

><p>Stan and Mysterion hugged the wall as they slowly progressed through the building. Stan peeked around the corner but quickly withdrew out of fear.<p>

"Dude, the fucking Coca-Cola bear is out there."

Mysterion stared at him, not really taking him seriously.

Stan glared at him. "Don't give me that look, he's the bear in charge! No one fucks with him! There's no way we'll get past!"

Mysterion pulled Stan away from the corner and peeked around for himself. Stan was right. That bear was much larger than the one that Mysterion had gone up against, and he wasn't exactly eager to deal with it.

Mysterion turned to Stan. "I'm going to distract the bear. As I do so, you run like hell, you hear me? Get to Kyle's house."

Stan shook his head. "It's suicide, dude!"

Mysterion smirked. "I'll meet you there, I promise."

Stan opened his mouth to protest, but, seeing the look on Mysterion's face, nodded instead. "Good luck," Stan offered with uncertainty.

Mysterion pulled out another match and some of his firecrackers. "Go," he commanded quietly as he lit the firecrackers and tossed them into the main lobby away from the exit.

Stan ran as the bear whirled around in the direction of the firecrackers. Mysterion stepped into its line of sight. The bear merely stared at Mysterion for a moment, sizing him up.

"Pepsi is way better than Coca-Cola," Mysterion said nonchalantly.

The bear flew into a rage and charged at Mysterion. Stan looked over his shoulder for a moment just as he made it outside, afraid for Mysterion, but he continued on. Mysterion jumped out of the way just in time to avoided being tackled by the bear.

Mysterion ran towards the exit, but the bear was quick to block his way once again. It swiped at Mysterion with its paw, unfortunately knocking him to the ground. The bear bent down, bearing its teeth, and Mysterion kicked it sharply in the nose, sending it reeling long enough for Mysterion to slip out from underneath it.

In that moment, the President of the WWF burst into the lobby. "What the hell? I thought that boy was restrained! Help! Get in here!"

Mysterion backed away as the Coke bear and several of its smaller peers cornered him. If he was captured again, he wasn't sure he'd be able to escape in time. They were most likely not as stupid as he hoped. They wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

Seeing no other option, Mysterion pulled the pistol from his belt and pressed the barrel against his temple. "You want to capture me? Go ahead. Try it!"

The President looked slightly alarmed, but he shrugged. "If you kill yourself you're just doing us a favor, kid. Whether we capture you or kill you, either way, you can't mess up our plans."

Mysterion smirked. "Think again," he warned.

He pulled the trigger, and he was dead instantly. The President, his subordinates, and the polar bears all stared at the corpse for a long, silent moment. Then the smaller polar bears surged forward and began tearing the boy apart.

The President stared at the situation, aghast. He looked up at the Coca-Cola bear and frowned before turning back to the disgusting image.

He bent over and vomitted, but the Coke bear didn't seem to care.

* * *

><p>"I was so scared for a moment there, Stuart," Carol explained to her husband as they both sat on the bed. "When I heard Karen say that Kenny went with an angel I was so mad that it was happening again…"<p>

Stuart took a swig of his whiskey. "But it didn't," he muttered.

Carol nodded. "I know, I kno-AH!"

Stuart jumped up, dropping the whiskey bottle. "What?" he exclaimed.

Carol cradled her stomach. "Oh god damn it! Why? WHY?" She cried. She fell back onto the bed and Stuart was instantly at her side. "How can we possibly explain this to the Broflov-AH!"

Stuart stared hazily at his wife. "Don't worry about that now, just push!"

"I am pushin' you asshole!" Carol yelled.

"Don't call me an asshole when I'm just tryin' to help, bitch!" Stuart screamed.

Screams of pain echoed through the Broflovski household, alarming the other residents. Kyle had just walked through the door, and his mother rushed over to him.

"Bubbe, what's going on?" Sheila asked concernedly.

Kyle raced up the stairs. "I don't know! I'll check on them!"

Kyle burst into the guest bedroom and stared. Whiskey had spilt on the floor and Mr. and Mrs. McCormick were sitting up in the bed, stiff as boards.

"Is everything alright in here?" Kyle asked.

"Yep, sure is, everything's great," Stuart mumbled.

Kyle frowned but didn't say anything else. He left the two alone, and Carol peeled back the bed's blanket to reveal a baby.

"I wonder what happened this time," she mused as she rocked baby Kenny in her arms.


	5. Improvisation

**A/N: **I know this chapter is quite a bit shorter than the last one, but this seemed like a nice place to leave it off. Only two chapters left, I think! Enjoy, and I'd love to hear your opinions on this story so far. I haven't really asked for reviews, but it's nice to hear peoples' thoughts, both good and critical.

Also, I don't know if I've mentioned it in previous author notes (I didn't go back and check), but I've come up with an idea for Mysterion's origin. I wanted to write another story that was more "episode-like" in both length and style. So, be on the look out for that! I know I've been writing a lot of Mysterion…I just keep getting inspiration.

* * *

><p>Stan knocked furiously on the Broflovskis' front door. Kyle soon answered and saw his breathless friend in a frenzied state.<p>

"Stan? Where the hell have you been? We've all been worried sick!" Kyle exclaimed.

Stan took a moment to catch his breath before answering. "I was tied up in the basement of the WWF headquarters building outside of town."

Kyle gawked at him. "What? Why?"

Stan shook his head. "I'll explain later. Has Kenny come back yet?"

Kyle frowned. "I don't think so…"

Stan pushed past him into the house. "Maybe he came in through your window! You know how he is as Mysterion…he likes to be…"

"Mysterious?" Kyle finished for him, fighting back a chuckle.

Stan ran up stairs with Kyle in tow. "Yeah, that."

As they approached Kyle's bedroom door, they heard another door open down the hall. Caught off guard, Kyle and Stan both looked over to see who had come out of the bathroom.

Standing in the middle of the hallway was Kenny McCormick, wearing absolutely nothing.

Kyle and Stan looked away quickly. "Dude! What the fuck!" Stan cried out.

"Where are your clothes, man?" Kyle asked.

Kenny laughed. "Don't be such prudes. We're all men here. You act like you've never seen a penis before."

"I totally didn't need to see yours!" Stan growled.

Kenny shrugged. "Can I borrow some clothes, Kyle? A polar bear ripped mine to shreds."

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "…Okay," he said finally.

* * *

><p>Once Kenny had been outfitted with a blue sweatshirt and jeans, the three of them headed for Kenny's house. Kyle and Stan asked him why, but he didn't answer. In the meantime, Stan filled Kyle in on what had happened so far.<p>

"So what did you do, Kenny? How did you get out of there?" Kyle asked.

Kenny fidgeted with his sweatshirt's drawstrings. "I…improvised."

Stan looked at him skeptically. "Improvised how?"

Kenny picked up the pace. "Don't worry about it."

Once they reached Kenny's house, they saw Cartman standing outside the front door. He turned and frowned at the three of them in confusion.

"So you really did ditch this place, huh?" Cartman questioned. "Honestly, I'd rather stay in this shithole than shack up with a bunch of Jews…"

"We don't have time for this, Cartman," Kyle snarled as he walked past him into Kenny's house. Kenny and Stan followed him eagerly.

"Don't have time? Hello, Kenny, we had a deal! You get rid of the snow in my driveway and I would give you one hundred dollars! Or did you forget?" Cartman yelled as he followed them inside.

"I didn't forget. I'm working on it," Kenny muttered as he went to his room.

Cartman followed him, but Kenny slammed the door in his face. "Well you could have fooled me, butt licker!" When after a few minutes, Kenny didn't respond in any way, Cartman grew wary. "…Kenny? I didn't mean to call you butt licker, you can still get rid of the snow in my driveway so I can get my presents," Cartman tried in a sweet tone.

The door suddenly banged open, but Cartman couldn't see anyone inside. He frowned and stepped through the doorway, only to be shoved up against the wall. Cartman yelped when his eyes met Mysterion's.

"I'm not doing this so you can get presents," Mysterion spat. "I'm doing this for our town and the people who _deserve _to have a Merry Christmas." He narrowed his eyes. "You don't exactly fall under that category."

Cartman shrugged off Mysterion's hands. "I'm _so _not paying you anymore."

Mysterion glared at him. "This is about more than one hundred dollars now, don't you get it?" He growled impatiently. "The safety of everyone in South Park is at stake!" Mysterion thought for a moment. "I could use your help, but that would require you to put others before yourself, which I doubt you're even capable of."

Cartman pushed Mysterion away. "Ay! If everyone is in danger, that _includes_ me! "

Mysterion shook his head. "So does that mean you're in?"

Cartman rolled his eyes. "I suppose…" He paused. "But wouldn't it be best if you left something so important in the hands of…Coon and Friends?"

Mysterion scowled at him. "There's no such thing as Coon and Friends, not after what you did."

Cartman huffed but said nothing. Mysterion retreated to the main room where Kyle and Stan were waiting.

"I know there are better things that you could be doing," Mysterion began as he paced back and forth in front of his friends. "You could be playing video games, watching TV, reading pornographic magazines or even sleeping. But we have an obligation to this city." Mysterion stopped in front of Cartman and stared him down. "We may not be part of a team anymore, but we all joined for a reason."

"We just all wanted to play superhero, Kenny. It was just a game," Kyle interjected.

Mysterion sidestepped so that he was in front of Kyle. "Well now's your chance to be real heroes. Will you fuck it up, or will you do what must be done?"

Kyle shrugged. "I still don't know what you want me to do!"

Mysterion placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're the smartest one here, Kyle," Mysterion informed him, despite the snort from Cartman. "If anyone can figure out that weather machine, it's you."

Kyle smiled, and Mysterion looked back at Cartman. "Cartman, you're an asshole. That is literally what you do best: be a dick to every single person you meet."

Stan laughed. "How exactly is that supposed to be helpful?"

Cartman glared at Mysterion, waiting for a response. Mysterion smirked. "That means that he can be the perfect distraction."

Kyle chuckled. "You got that right. The bears will definitely go for a fat ass like him."

Cartman shook his head. "No way! I'm not being a distraction! The distraction always gets screwed over in the end!"

"You handle the WWF members," Stan offered. "I'll handle the bears."

Mysterion walked over to Stan. "You've always been too brave for your own good."

Stan rolled his eyes. "No I just always seem to get sucked into fucked up situations."

Mysterion grinned. "We're all alike in that way."

Cartman groaned. "Oh please, can we get on with it? While we're doing all of the tough shit, what the hell do _you _plan to do?"

Mysterion lead his friends to the front door and opened it. "You'll see."

* * *

><p>Surprisingly, there appeared to be no heightened security around the WWF headquarters as Mysterion had expected. This didn't mean that they would all just barge into the building through the main entrance, though. There might've been something that they were missing.<p>

Mysterion turned to the group. "Kyle, I want you to stay close to me. Cartman, you're going to walk in the front doors."

"What?" Cartman hissed. "Are you trying to get me killed?"

"Put others first, Cartman," Mysterion reminded him. "We need you to distract them."

"How exactly do you expect me to do that?" Cartman whined.

"Improvise. As much as I hate to compliment you about anything, that is one of the things you do best," Kyle told him reassuringly.

Cartman smirked. "Yeah, I guess so…"

Mysterion nodded. "Go on, then."

Cartman began to walk towards the building. "You owe me big time, Kenny! Big time!"

Stan laughed. "I kind of wish I could watch."

Kyle and Mysterion chuckled as well as they considered it. The latter turned his full attention on Stan for a moment. "You said you would distract the bears if necessary. Did you mean it?"

Stan nodded. "Yeah sure."

Mysterion began to slowly lead the two of them towards the back of the building. "Hopefully we won't need you to, but…" Kyle began worriedly.

"I've got it," Stan assured him. "Trust me."

Kyle raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Stan was the best athlete he knew. If anyone could outrun the bears, it was him.

"There," Mysterion pointed out a window on the third floor. "If we climb the rain gutter we can make it through that window."

Stan and Kyle nodded in agreement and followed him as they began to climb.

* * *

><p>"So then I was like, woah man, you shouldn't kill that spider. It's a living creature that is very important to our environment," the WWF receptionist told the group surrounding his desk. "He was so rude to me after, too. He like picked up the green tea I had made for him and left the room. But whatever, I took the spider outside. It's out there in the world now, safe."<p>

His friends patted him on the back and reassured him that he did the right thing. Suddenly the front door opened, and the people in the room jumped slightly in surprise. Standing in front of them was a fat little boy with a glint of innocence in his eye.

"How can we help you, son?" One man wearing a panda t-shirt asked.

Cartman removed his hat and smiled sweetly up at them. "I'd just like a bit of your time, please."

The receptionist suppressed a giggle. "Oh how precious."

Cartman cleared his throat. "I'm raising money for a special cause, you see, and I know that all of you here at WWF are caring, sensitive folks who might like to help." He batted his eyelashes pleadingly. "So I'd like to sing you a song or two."

The panda-t-shirt-wearing man beamed at him. "Wonderful! We'd love to help! We're all about making the world a better place!"

Cartman placed his hat back on his head. "This is a little song called 'We Are the World.'" He hesitated for a brief moment. "The Michael Jackson version, not the gay one with Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus in it," he clarified.


	6. Beating Coke With a Dead Horse

**A/N: **So sorry for the long wait! I hope you guys enjoy this one. There were a few rough moments, and I might have been a bit too abrupt, I don't know, you can be the judge of that. One more chapter after this! Reviews are appreciated!

* * *

><p>Stan crawled through the ventilation system of the building slowly and carefully. He had quickly split up from Kyle and Kenny when they got inside. They had their mission and he had his.<p>

Stan began to regret his bravery a bit. He had an idea to distract the bears, sure, but he wasn't sure if it would be enough. He hoped he wouldn't have to buy Kyle and Kenny too much time before they could get the hell out of there.

"I will remember you, do da do da do, do," a very familiar voice echoed through the vents. "Will you remember me?"

Stan rolled his eyes. Cartman sure was laying it on thick for those WWF guys down there. He was surprised he hadn't just come right out and yelled at them for being "hippies."

"Don't let your life pass you by!" Cartman wailed. "Weep not for the memories…"

The WWF members below clapped their hands with joy and tossed some more change into Cartman's hat. He was fully in Stan's view at that point.

"Thank you, oh thank you, DP oil appreciates your contributions."

Stan gaped at his fat friend from above.

"W-what?" the effeminate receptionist stuttered. "DP? They were responsible for that oil spill last year! You can't possibly mean that you're sending money to them!"

Cartman kept a straight face. "Oh but I am, you see, a company like that needs more funding to support their endeavors to drill into our precious earth. No one likes sea creatures anyway."

"You should donate that money towards research for cleaner energy resources! By funding DP, you're encouraging fossil fuel consumption, which is melting our ice caps!" One of the other members exclaimed in horror.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Shut up, you goddamn hippie! Global warming is just a myth! Everyone knows that!"

The man in the pink panda shirt stepped forward defiantly. "You…take…that…back," he growled menacingly.

Cartman crossed his arms and looked away. "How about…no."

Stan stared at Cartman wide-eyed, unsure of what might happen next. He could only predict that those wussy WWF members would call on the muscle of their operation: the fucking polar bears.

"Help! Christian, open a Coke bottle, now!" the guy in the pink shirt shouted at the receptionist.

The receptionist, apparently named Christian, complied. He pulled out an old-fashioned Coke bottle and twisted off the bottle cap. The only sound in the room was the hiss of the carbon dioxide.

Suddenly, the entire building seemed to rumble. Cartman looked uneasy as he stared at the doors directly in front of him, waiting for the bears to emerge. Stan readied himself. It was go time.

He pulled out his iPhone and scrolled through the tracks. He had downloaded one in particular before they came just for this situation.

The bears burst through the doors, startling Cartman. The Coke bear slid in first, snatching up the bottle of Coca-Cola and downing it in one gulp before turning to stare down Cartman. The fat boy raised his hands warily and backed away.

Stan pressed play.

"My heart, won't skip, a beat…" it began. "I never look before I leap…"

The bears turned their heads up to where the sound was coming from.

"Ride, just enjoy the ride, don't need a reason why, everything's all right," Britney Spears intoned through Stan's iPod.

"Buy, buy, buy, buy," it continued, "buy, buy, buy, buy, the joy of Pepsi!"

The bears roared in anger and leapt up towards the ceiling ravenously. Stan yelped and shrank away from the vent. He checked to make sure the song was on repeat before locking his phone and crawling backwards. The bears mindlessly followed the blasphemous song.

Stan smirked. This plan was stupid and crazy enough that it just might work.

* * *

><p>Mysterion pulled Kyle through the empty corridors of the WWF headquarters. They looked around wildly for any sign of a weather machine, but nothing looked out of the ordinary.<p>

"Do you really expect to search the entire building for this thing?" Kyle asked.

Mysterion frowned. "I don't think we have much of a choice."

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "I thought you had some sort of plan?"

Mysterion glanced back at him. "I do, but we have to look for _that _too."

Kyle looked at him worriedly. "What do you mean?"

Mysterion came to a sudden halt. He smirked and pointed straight ahead. "That's what I mean."

The door in front of them had a single feature on it different from the rest: a small sign that read "President."

Kyle and Mysterion looked at each other and nodded. Mysterion took off and Kyle moved towards the door. He turned the handle and walked inside.

The President looked up from his paperwork in surprise, obviously not expecting any visitors. He frowned at the little boy in the green ushanka that had just entered and removed his spectacles.

"Good evening," the President greeted.

Kyle walked up to the desk and leaned against it. "Where is it?"

President looked incredulous. "Where's what?"

Kyle glared at him. "The weather machine!"

President pulled a cigarette out of his drawer and lit it. "Want one?"

Kyle plugged his nose. "Ew, gross! I didn't think nature junkies like you smoked those things anyway."

The President leaned forward and blew smoke into Kyle's face. "My name is Jack, what's yours?"

Kyle sighed. "Kyle, now, can you please just tell me where it is?"

Jack rested his chin on the fist holding the cigarette. "First, let me ask you something, Kyle: did you really think I was in this for nature?"

Kyle looked troubled. "You…you aren't?"

Jack laughed. "Don't be ridiculous. People around the world don't give a damn about shit that matters like the environment, they just pretend like they do and give a little money to non-profit organizations to make them feel like they've done a good deed. I am just one of the few brilliant people that cashes in on that."

Kyle gawked at him in disdain. "That's horrible!"

Jack shrugged. "No one really gives a damn if that money saves a polar bear or a poor otter affected by an oil spill. I am in the business of making people feel better about themselves, what's so bad about that?"

Kyle looked away. "Then why help the polar bears take over the world?"

"Obviously if I help them, they'll make sure I'm properly rewarded," Jack replied. "And because of my organization, I had the resources they needed."

A flash of light caught Kyle's eye, a signal, and he backed towards the door. "Well you're no help, I hope you burn in hell."

Jack shook his head. "You're so naïve, kid."

Kyle's eyes shot daggers at him. "And you're a dick, plain and simple."

Before Jack could retort, Kyle walked out the door and slammed it shut. Jack rolled his eyes and pulled out another cigarette. Before he could light it, however, his head was slammed into his desk.

Colors swam before his eyes as he slowly lifted his head to look at his attacker. Standing in front of his desk was the same masked kid from before.

"How the hell did you escape?" Jack asked incredulously.

Mysterion got right up in his face. "What if I told you I didn't?"

Jack blinked at him, not sure what he was getting at.

Mysterion continued. "What if I told you I shot myself in the head in your lobby?"

Jack shook his head. "That's ridiculous, I would have remembered, and kids don't come back to life."

Mysterion smirked. "I do."

Jack pulled a letter opener out of his desk and pointed it at him. "That's insane!"

"And intelligent polar bears with the desire to take over the world isn't?" Mysterion hissed.

Jack was at a loss for words. He didn't believe what this kid was saying, there was no way it was true, but at the same time he wondered…

"Tell me where that weather machine is," Mysterion growled threateningly, "or I'll light these firecrackers and shove them down your pants. I wonder how much your balls would enjoy that."

Jack put the letter opener back on the desk. "Teaming up with the polar bears was a stupid idea anyway…"

Mysterion waited.

"It's in the basement, okay?" Jack relented. At the sound of him answering the question, Kyle re-entered the room.

Mysterion frowned. "You tied me up in the basement, why didn't I see it before?"

Jack sighed. "There's a door with a passcode lock on it."

"What's the password?" Mysterion inquired.

"Coca-Cola."

Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose. "Jesus Christ…"

* * *

><p>Stan screamed as paws clawed at the vents. Britney Spears continued on with the song, egging the bears on. He would be doomed if something didn't happen soon. He squeezed his eyes shut and clutched his iPhone tightly. He <em>really <em>didn't want to be polar bear chow.

"Heh, hey, hey assholes! Come here! Come look at this!" Cartman called out to the polar bears.

They ignored him and continued to desperately try to reach the source of the Pepsi song. With a grunt of dissatisfaction, Cartman whistled, gaining their attention for a split second.

"Look at me! I look so tasty and yummy! Oh, what's this? Is this…Arby's horsey sauce? Mmm…am I…rubbing it on myself? Oh yeah…" Cartman called out to the bears as he rubbed the Arby's sauce on his face.

Stan couldn't see Cartman, but he could definitely hear his voice. He couldn't believe the fat ass was trying to _save _him.

The bears took off after Cartman through the building. As he went, Cartman threw packets of Arby's horsey sauce at the bears, which snapped them up without a moment's hesitation. Cartman chuckled mischievously.

Stan moved towards the vent and kicked it out before dropping into the lobby. He ran after the bears, trying to entice them away from Cartman, who he knew was a slow runner.

Suddenly, however, Mysterion dropped out of the vents and landed between Cartman and the bears. The bears halted immediately, staring at the masked boy with a strange mix of fear and confusion.

The Coke bear, which had been at the very front, backed away from the small kid, causing all of the other bears to do the same.

Mysterion stared all of the white mammals down. "You…you remember, don't you?"

The Coke bear took another step back in response.

Mysterion stepped forward. "Go back to where you came from, don't come back here, you got that? You know what I am, so you know that I'll never stop coming after you if I have to."

The Coke bear looked around at its comrades uneasily. They all seemed to share his unease. They all abruptly made a rush for the door, and once they reached the lobby, a horrendous sound echoed through the building.

Mysterion breathed a sigh of relief. Stan and Cartman joined him.

"Cartman, you, uh…saved me," Stan said with a hint of surprise in his voice. "You put someone else above yourself."

Cartman shrugged. "You helped me out too, and I'm a bit surprised to be honest, considering you love nature and all."

"There's a difference between loving nature and…" Stan trailed off before pointing at the desk receptionist, Christian. "…That," Stan finished.

"Why, _why?_!" Christian wept as he wandered into the room, covered in crap. "The gases emanating from all of that feces are tearing away at the ozone layer! Why?"

Cartman laughed. "Fucking hippies…" he shook his head, "all they care about is nature, not taking showers, and Bob Marley."

Mysterion stared at Christian. "Not taking showers…you don't think…?"

Stan shivered. "I'm sure this is a special circumstance…I'm sure of it…"

Cartman shook his head in disgust. "I wouldn't count on it."

Soon enough, Kyle came along, accompanying Jack. Kyle smirked as they joined the rest of the group.

"We did it!" Kyle exclaimed. "We returned the weather to normal!"

Jack sighed. "So, uh, to thank you gentlemen for protecting the integrity of this establishment, why don't I offer you five-thousand dollars?"

The boys gaped at him. "W-what?" Cartman gasped.

Mysterion cleared his throat. "In other words, you're offering us hush money."

Jack shrugged. "If you really want to look at it that way…"

Cartman jumped up and down. "Hell yeah! Fork it over, douche bag!"

Kyle placed a hand on Cartman's shoulder. "Dude, I think Kenny should have it all."

Mysterion's jaw dropped open in shock. "No, Kyle, I couldn't possibly-"

"Oh shut up, Kenny, don't suddenly get all noble on us, especially when it comes to money," Cartman growled as he crossed his arms in resignation. "Whatever, all that matters is that I get my presents."

Stan and Kyle smiled at Mysterion, who looked up at Jack. "I'd like that in cash, if you don't mind."

Jack reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, muttering to himself.

"Oh, by the way," Stan began, "there's a lot of polar bear shit in your lobby."

Cartman cackled.

Stan shook his head. "Why do you carry Arby's horsey sauce with you?"

Cartman clapped Stan on the back. "I'm always prepared for an emergency, Stan."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I hope you guys recognized the Pepsi commercial I was referencing with Britney Spears. If not, go look it up, haha. At this point I'm sure you're well aware of how incredibly fitting the name of this chapter is. And yes, I meant "with a Dead Horse" not "like a Dead Horse." Sounded funnier that way to me…


	7. I Learned Something Today

**A/N: **Wow this is so late, I started this before Christmas and didn't finish it until April…I'm horrible at this stuff, haha, I've just been so busy. I hope you like this little conclusion! Without further adieu, the end of Snowpocalypse! Thanks for reading!

* * *

><p>Karen yawned and stretched before hopping off of Ike's bed. She looked out the window and smiled at the bright shining sun, relieved to see that a lot of the snow had melted away.<p>

Karen ran out the door and quickly made her way down the stairs. Halfway down, she stopped dead in her tracks, shocked at what she saw.

In the Broflovski living room there was a small Christmas tree. Surrounding the tree was assorted presents, and off to the side stood her big brother Kenny.

Kenny grinned at his sister's shocked expression. She bolted down the remainder of the stairs and jumped into his arms gleefully.

"How did you do it Kenny?" Karen asked, happy tears in her eyes.

Kenny held her close. "I had a little help," he admitted.

Karen pulled away and looked up at him. "My guardian angel…?"

Kenny's smile widened but he didn't answer her. "Why don't you open your presents?" He asked as he set her down. "I think you'll be pleased with what Santa brought you."

Karen knelt next to the presents and looked for hers. Kyle and the rest of the Broflovski family joined them in the living room, all very touched by the scene.

"Thank you for allowing us to stay in your home Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski," Kenny said gratefully. "It means a lot."

"It's no problem, Kenny," Sheila replied. "We quite enjoy having the company anyway, normally things get pretty quiet around here on Christmas. This was a nice change!"

Kyle nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, really. I had been bummed out a few days ago because Christmas usually gets me down, but not this year. I'm glad to have you around, Kenny."

Mr. and Mrs. McCormick dragged themselves down the stairs, groaning the entire way. When Mrs. McCormick saw Karen ripping open presents, she looked at the others in the room with confusion.

"What's all this about?" Carol asked warily.

"Kenny got me a Christmas!" Karen exclaimed as she hugged a new doll.

Carol was moved as she glanced at her son. "Is that true, Ken? Did you give our little girl a Christmas?"

Kenny's smile remained firmly in place. "It's not just hers, it's for all of us." Kenny pointed at the tree. "Take a look!"

Stuart and Carol exchanged shocked expressions before eagerly making their way to the tree.

"First thing tomorrow, a man is going to come out and fix Karen's window," Kenny informed them, "and we're going to be eating a decent meal at least once a week for a few months."

"I don't know how you did this, son, but I've never been more proud," Stuart told him.

Kyle put an arm around Kenny's shoulders. "You did good, Kenny. You did really good," he said encouragingly. "But you and I need to step outside for a minute."

Kenny frowned as Kyle pulled him outside. Stan and Cartman were walking up at that precise moment, deep in conversation until they saw their friends emerge from the house.

"It's weird seeing you without that parka," Stan commented.

Kenny nodded and looked down at the sweatshirt and jeans he had borrowed from Kyle. "Yeah, but sometimes things change. Nothing lasts forever."

Kyle, Stan, and Cartman all exchanged glances. All three of them smiled.

"Well, the reason we brought you out here was because we all pulled our allowances and got you a Christmas present," Stan began.

"We thought for a long time what the right gift for you might be," Kyle explained, "but I think we got it perfect."

Kyle leaned over and pulled a wrapped box off the ground next to the porch and handed it to Kenny. The blonde was stunned as he scanned the faces of his three friends.

"Wow, guys, this means a lot," Kenny said in disbelief. "I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything, just open the damn thing already," Cartman growled impatiently. "My mom's waiting."

Kenny didn't hesitate. He tore at the paper and let it fall to the ground before opening the box and peering inside. His eyes blinked in astonishment as they met the bright color orange.

Kenny pulled out a brand new parka; identical to the one he had had before. He grinned as he pulled it on, relishing in its warmth and comfort. He met the eyes of his friends again.

"You were right, Kyle, you did get it perfect," Kenny said with a laugh.

"We had noticed that your old one was getting so worn down anyway," Stan chimed in. "It's just a coincidence that a polar bear ripped it apart."

Kenny pulled up the hood and tightened it around his face. "Yeah, don't remind me," came his muffled reply.

"I guess nothing has to change after all," Kyle said with a smile.

"Kenny, Bubbe, we're going to get started working on dinner. Do you kids want to help?" Sheila asked as she stuck her head out the door.

"Sure," Kenny volunteered.

"Yeah, we'll be right in, mom," Kyle responded.

"You're having Christmas dinner here with Jews?" Cartman asked Kenny. "But Jews don't eat ham! And if Jews don't eat ham, what the hell are you supposed to eat on Christmas?"

Kenny shrugged. "I don't really care what we eat as long as it isn't frozen waffles or pop tarts."

"Want to join us, Stan?" Kyle asked as sincerely as he could despite his irritation towards Cartman.

"I'll go ask my parents," Stan said before running off.

"But ham is crucial to Christmas, it's tradition! Not having ham at Christmas is like not smoking pot at a Bob Marley concert!" Cartman complained.

"Don't you have somewhere to be, Cartman?" Kyle snapped angrily.

Cartman looked surprised. "Jeez, you're right, what the hell am I still doing here? Screw you guys, I'm going to get my presents."

As Cartman fled, Kyle turned to Kenny. "You know, I learned something today," Kyle told Kenny, his expression softening again.

"What's that?" Kenny asked.

"You really are a hero, Kenny, and a great friend. I don't know why we don't hang out more often just you and I, but we should. I realized that we haven't been as good to you as we should be, you kind of fade into the background sometimes and we let you because we get so distracted by all of our own messed up problems. I'm sorry," Kyle told him regrettably.

Kenny smiled beneath his parka. "It's okay Kyle. I know I can always count on you guys when I need you, and that's what matters." He paused. "Maybe something will change after all," he added.

Kyle looked at him confusedly. "What do you mean?"

Kenny placed a hand on his shoulder. "We can be better friends, and I won't let myself stay in the background anymore."

Kyle grinned at him. "Merry Christmas, Kenny."

Kenny turned towards the door. "Merry Christmas, Kyle."

As they went inside, the sun shined down on the town of South Park. The snow glistened and everything was at peace once more.

Just outside town, a lone polar bear wearing a shredded up orange parka watched the tranquil scene until a massive evergreen tree next to it suddenly collapsed, killing the bear instantly and spewing blood all over the pure white snow.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I like Kyle's speech, and even though Kyle is my favorite character, I wish Matt and Trey would write more for Kenny than they do. Even when Stan, Kyle, and Cartman aren't the main focus of the episode they have way more screen time than Kenny.

I hope you guys enjoyed this story! Again, sorry it took so long for me to finish it, I have been so busy with classes and everything. Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts!


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